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Lived Experience: I didn't feel like I had a choice.

Updated: Dec 12, 2023

I have attempted twice in my life and both times when I was trying to decide if I could continue living, all I remember feeling was complete loneliness. I felt like I had no one to turn to and no one to talk to. In hindsight I know how wrong I was. Both times I attempted, I did the same thing. I have always had medical issues so I always had access to some strong drugs and both times I took a lot of pills. The first time, I was being bullied by my so-called friends and I felt like I couldn’t talk to my family about anything. I was also in therapy at the time and had just been put on medication for depression, which is very common because people finally feel free and choose to make more drastic decisions after trying new medication.

The second time, I was just leaving an abusive relationship and felt like I had no one to turn to who could help me get past the feeling of uselessness and how unwanted and unwelcome I felt. I think at that time, a part of me knew that I didn’t really want to die but I felt like I didn’t have a choice so I didn’t take all of the pills I had in my room, only about half of them. The next day when I woke up about 16 hours later, I went straight to the person that I knew would be there and help me. She got me back into therapy and showed me how I was loved, wanted, and welcome.

After attempting something like taking your own life, you truly realize that you didn’t want to die, you just felt like you didn’t have any other choice. However, I have since learned that there are so many other choices, and that suicide doesn’t fix anything, it just passes your problems onto those that care about you. To this day, I know that I have people that I can turn to now and even on the days when I feel like no one cares and no one would be sad if I was gone, I remind myself what I thought when I woke up after attempting the second time, and that was how thankful I was that I failed and I have never been more proud of failing something in my life.

The advice that I have for someone who is going through something tough, or feels like they have no other option except to take their own life, is to turn to one more person. You might feel like it’s pointless, but if you keep telling yourself “I just need to talk to one more person” you will find your reason for staying. Also, don’t give up on what you could be. This feeling is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

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